By Ann-Katrin van Loosen
I would love to be a duck, but I guess God hates me.
Firstly, my form does not fit. I do not have feathers, so I would freeze in winter. I am too big to be considered a duck, with the typical mallard being a maximal 65cm. However, my current size of 160cm would make me the most colossal duck on earth. Additionally, ducks do not have fingers, and I do not have webbed feet. And my mouth consists of fleshy lips and teeth; no beak in sight. My arms and legs are too long for a duck. But with long legs, I could at least be categorized as a crane. But then I would have to eat frogs which would break my heart.
My diet also does not fit as seeds and algae cannot fill my stomach of human size. It would also not be a nutritious diet for an omnivorous human. And it would require a lot of willpower for me to eat insects. I would also only be able to drink water which I do not like. I prefer sweet beverages. Besides, I could never abstain from chocolate. A duck, I imagine, does not think about its meal’s taste.
Sadly, I cannot choose the form in which I am born. And my parents had to be humans of all things. How unfair is that? But the saddest is that I am not able to fly. I have to abide the cold winter and cannot fly south, but I can at least endure the winter in my warm flat. In any case, I can swim and float when I hold up my legs; I also like to dive. So that are 2 things I have in common with a duck. And foxes are too small to be my predators.
The most obvious difference would be that I do not lay eggs, and I do not plan to. Even if I were able to, I would not put my offspring in a nest on the hard ground, where I do not like to sleep, even more so in the open, like a park. I prefer a cozy bed with lots of blankets and pillows. My brain is also not made to sleep with one eye open. Additionally, I would rather have my surroundings be dark and quiet, lest I cannot sleep.
Nevertheless, I would love to be an annoyance, chasing after park visitors and biting them. I can be as loud as a duck, but sadly I am bound to social courtesy. Compared to that, a duck can live without the consequences of being a human living in a society with rules.